


Commitment

by thewiredgalaxy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, And just a bad day over all, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Post-Finale, Taako's having issues with commitment, This is just really me projecting, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 14:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13320432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewiredgalaxy/pseuds/thewiredgalaxy
Summary: The past few years Taako's had issues with commitment and being with Kravitz's now really has him thinking about it, and he isn't sure how much he likes it.





	Commitment

If there was one thing that Taako hated, it was commitment. Namely, commitment to staying in someone else’s life. He had already lost so many people that it was hard for him to want to stay with others. For the fear they’d leave him once they got to know him scared him too much. Although he would never say anything about it. Taako? From TV? Scared of being committed to people? More likely than one would think. Even more likely to never bring it up verbally. But to bring it up mentally to himself was a different story. And it was always impossible to shove back into its box of repression. Which was where he found himself now.

He sat in bed, trying to focus on the book Merle had given him for his last birthday. It was a sci-fi novel about a hero and their small crew trying to save the universe but also how the main character was – as Merle spoiled it – unknowingly falling in love with the guy trying to kill them. (Merle said that when he read through it a bit that it reminded him of Taako, but he couldn’t see it.) But he could only keep reading the same line over and over again. Whenever he’d tried to reach the next line, his eyes just went back. His mind was elsewhere. Pulling out all the things in his mind that he hated brought up. Dogearing the page, he shut the book and placed it on his nightstand before he rubbed his face with a sigh. He needed a drink.

Swinging his legs off the bed and sliding his feet into his stylish, cozy slippers he padded out of his room and towards the kitchen. He pulled out one of the good glasses and one of the good wines he got last grocery shopping trip and poured a decent sized amount for himself. It was gone in a matter of moments and the void was replaced with more wine. He took the glass and bottle over to the living room, placing them on the coffee table before he collapsed on the couch with a grand sigh. He picked up his glass and sipped, glancing around the apartment. 

It was all his until Kravitz got home, whenever that was going to be. The perks of dating a grim reaper who’s always on the clock. Just over a year after they saved the world and a few weeks after Carey and Killian’s wedding, Kravitz proposed the idea of getting a place together after Lucretia decided to shut down the moon base. Taako said yes. It would be great to finally have a place more of his own style than clashing with Merle and Magnus’s and it was his first stable home in years. But he couldn’t escape those nagging thoughts he always had. They were never as present on the moon base with Merle and Magnus, but here with Kravitz they were always worse.

Kravitz was too good for him. He really deserved better than him. He deserved someone who looked better, who took better care of himself and his surroundings, and didn’t have abandonment and commitment issues. Someone perfect like Kravitz was. Living with Magnus and Merle had been different. For that was only for a job and because of their status as reclaimers they had to live in close quarters. But here, Kravitz wanted Taako to stay with him. He wouldn’t have asked otherwise. Yet Taako didn’t belong here. Kravitz would have to realize that sooner or later that Taako was no good for him. For fucks sake, he worked with his twin sister and she knew Taako best and would probably tell him all the shit Taako had done before he met Kravitz. And they were both eternal too, so Kravitz had his time to think shit over. 

And speaking of Lup, she probably hated him for not realizing sooner that she had been trapped in that fucking umbrastaff for so long. Especially with all the hints she gave him before he remembered. Nearly killing Kravitz on their first date, ruining Angus’ macaroons to write her name on the wall, and trying to talk to him after his time in Wonderland. Even Barold brought her up on more than one occasion when he was stuck in his spooking lich form. Although they both knew that him forgetting wasn’t his fault, he still felt that Lup resented him. He never felt good enough for her either. Even when they were growing up. When their family kept abandoning them and passing them off to other relatives, it was hard to not become both suspicious of Lup wanting to leave him too but question her motives for wanting to stay with him. He always blamed himself his family ditching them. He was never a great person.

But he could never blame himself more than what happened to him during his relationship with Sazed. He had dated in the past, but nobody like him. He was the first person in a long while that he decided to be closer with and he regretted it. At first, he was sweet and treated Taako like a prince. Taako felt loved and safe with him. Sazed supported him with Sizzle It Up as it blossomed into the phenomenon it grew to be. Until it started to reach a popularity where people would try to befriend Taako, and especially once others started to take a liking to Taako in more than just a friendly manner. Sazed began to control how much time Taako could spend with people other than him and manipulating him into feeling sorry for Sazed when he couldn’t do something with him. There was also if Taako had been feeling bad and vocalized it, Sazed would turn the conversation about how shit his life was and that Taako should be grateful for his fame and the adoring fans and wealth he had. 

Taako finally started to get bad vibes that their relationship was taking on and when he talked to Sazed, he was assured things would change for the better. But they only got worse. The toxicity started to grow, but Taako couldn’t see it quite at first with Sazed’s sugar coating but being blind to the mistreatment beneath it all. As Taako did start to figure it out though, he knew Sazed was too self destructive that if he said anything about his shitty ways that he’d blow up and either hurt Taako or himself – neither of which was a result Taako wanted. So Taako kept his mouth shut. The best he could do was start to build up walls to keep Sazed out of his life and hopefully push him out. Yet that he found to be a mistake after he refused to let him become co-host of Sizzle It Up. He thought he had successfully said no to him for the first time, but found himself to be wrong after Glamour Springs. After Sazed hightailed it and left him alone.

Alone. Just like he’d been all his life. Like his memories told him at that time. He didn’t mind alone. At least then he wouldn’t be hurt by anyone. He’d just be a bit bored sometimes. But then he met those doofuses, and it changed his life. Glamour Springs wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t always alone growing up. And there was someone out there who took interest in him in more than just a friendly matter. But even though his life was starting to look up, he could look at each of those people and find flaws in each relationship. If either he kicked Sazed to the curb sooner or just let him join his show as co-host, those people wouldn’t have died. If they had let Lucretia go with her plan for concealing the light, he wouldn’t have lost his sister. If Kravitz actually realized what sort of person Taako was, he should’ve left him by now. With all his baggage, he couldn’t understand why he stuck around. Life fucked him over and he carried that weight on his back every moment.

He finished off his wine and took a swig from the last remaining drops of the bottle before he placed it on the floor. He hated wallowing in this self pity and self hatred, but having a lot of alone time on his hands made it easier for those unfavourable thoughts to pull themselves up from the pit of despair in his mind. He wanted to shove them back down and bury the hole, but that wasn’t happening any time soon. So, for now, it was time for Pity Party with Taako. Fuck. He needed more wine. But he didn’t want to move. He couldn’t. His body was just made of rocks now and there was no point in moving. He could use Mage Hand to get a new bottle, but even that was too much effort. With a sigh, he dragged himself down to lay on his side on the couch, his slippers sliding off his feet with his movement. He could at least use Mage Hand to turn on the tv, putting it on one of his usual cooking shows.

The show that came on though, wasn’t one Taako was hoping for.

His preference was those competition shows where chefs battle it out to win money at the end. But this wasn’t that. It was a middle-aged man on one of those “how to cook really cool to impress your friends/family” shows. Normally, he was fine with these shows. Sometimes he did learn a thing or two. Heck, that was his shtick before. But Taako was not here for this recipe. 

Thirty garlic clove chicken.

Before he could stop himself, he was shaking and hyperventilating. He shoved his hands over his eyes as he tried to block out the tv. But he could still hear it. He tried to use Mage Hand to shut off the tv, but he couldn’t concentrate. He didn’t need this. The man’s voice even seemed to change as he tried hard to block him out. Becoming familiar and sinister. His mind put Sazed’s face to the voice, and Taako really didn’t need this. Just before he could escape to the Ethereal Plane with Blink to get away long enough to relax, a familiar change in energy rippled through the air before it was sliced like butter.

He heard Kravitz come home through a portal into their bedroom and call his name, but he couldn’t bring himself to reply. He heard Kravitz leave their room, his sharp gasp, and the clicking of his wood-soled shoes against the hardwood floors as he sped across the room to Taako’s side. Takko couldn’t see him give a sour look at the tv when he noticed the recipe being used, but he heard it go off. Gentle, cold hands gingerly stroked his head, shushing him as icy lips kissed one of his hands hiding his face.

“I’m here…” was all he murmured, Taako slightly peeking up at him to be met with a small kind smile. Taako felt pathetic. He hated that one stupid recipe could throttle him like this and make him feel so helpless. It didn’t matter that Glamour Springs wasn’t his fault directly. He still prepped the food and fed it to those people. He killed forty people. Whether it was an accident or not. It was his fault. And he hated looking weak like this. Especially in front of Kravitz. (Okay, it would be way worse in front of a total stranger, but he still hated it.) He hated Kravitz seeing him look weak. Especially when he wasn’t all dolled up for him either. He wasn’t allowed to see these ugly sides of Taako. That’s why he hated commitment. He didn’t want to be vulnerable, to have others see his weaknesses. They always came to back to fuck his life up in the end.

There was one thing he could say though. Kravitz did help bring him back from his panic attacks. Soothing petting and kisses coupled with gentle words tended to reel him back in. He wasn’t perfectly back, but he was more together than he would’ve been if he dragged himself out of his panic attack alone. 

“Are you alright?” Kravitz asked as Taako slowly sat upright, Kravitz perching across from him on the coffee table. He took Taako’s hands in his own, rubbing them in circles with his thumbs. His hands were starting to warm up a bit already.

Taako shrugged, playing off a fake smile towards his boyfriend. “It’s s’alright, homie. I was just not having a good time was all. I’m fine now, thanks to you.” He leaned forward to kiss his cheek and moved to stand. “C’mon, lets go make dinner.”

“Taako.” Kravitz’s voice was firm, as was his grip on his hands. Taako took in a breath, trying to push down another wave of panic. “Love, I know that recipe that was on tv makes you upset, but I’ve never seen you react that way to it before. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, promise,” Taako said, pulling his hands away and taking a few steps further to the kitchen. He needed distance. Distance was good.

Kravitz sighed and gave a small nod, standing himself. “Taako, I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but you shouldn’t bottle things up inside like this. When you are ready to talk, I’m here.” The closest he got to Taako as he began to move around the apartment was to go to the coat rack by the front door to hang up his cloak. He then retired to their shared bedroom, leaving Taako in the doorway of the kitchen. Taako let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. 

He wrapped his arms around himself, rubbing his arms to shake off his anxiety as it began to weigh down on his shoulders. Sometimes when things ended up icy between them (on a relationship level, and not just how cold Kravitz’s body could be), Taako worried about Kravitz leaving him. He knew that his boyfriend wasn’t his property, and he could leave him if he wanted. But this was another reason he hated commitment. If something shitty enough happened, the good times could be gone forever. And Kravitz was the most stable relationship he’d ever been in. He prayed to Istus that he wouldn’t lose him over his stupid inability to tell him what he was worried about. He was selfish for wanting to be happy, but he hated how alone he felt without Kravitz. 

Taako sighed and looked at the slightly ajar door to their room. He stumbled forward slightly. It felt like an invisible hand pushed him forward. He checked behind him, but there was no Mage Hand or anything there to force him forward. He glanced up at the ceiling with a frown.

“Your knitting is telling you that I go talk to him, isn’t it?” he muttered, lip curling up slightly. Another push made him take a few more steps. “Sometimes, I feel you like to meddle just to make things a bit more interesting for your knitting. That isn’t very fate like of you.”

Taako rubbed his face and begrudgingly made his way to his room. He opened the door a tad more and glanced in at Kravitz reclined in bed with a book. He was now dressed simply in a pair of boxers and his work shirt, unbuttoned and opened to expose his chest. His tie draped over his shoulders like a scarf. His look when he was off the clock was very casual, but he still looked like a dream. He peered over at Taako as the door continued to open with a raised eyebrow, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“What’s going on, darling?” he inquired as Taako sat on the end of the bed, hands clasped together.

“Can we talk?” was all he answered.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kravitz nod. “Of course. What would you like to discus?”

Taako let out a heavy sigh, looking up at the ceiling again and mentally cursing Istus for making him do this. But it was a long time coming, he assumed. “I want to talk about us. You. I need to know why you stick with me and put up with my shit.”

“Because I love you, Taako.”

“But why? Why do you love me? There’s not that much great about me beside my powers. I lost my looks in Wonderland, my whole life is just a dumpster fire, and hell you wanted me dead when we first met. What’s the point of loving me if I’m so bad…?”

Kravitz shifted on the bed, putting his book on the nightstand and moving closer to Taako. He put a hand on his thigh as his other hand turned his head to make Taako look at him. “Taako, I don’t care about those things. For one, you’re beautiful no matter what. I didn’t fall for your looks. I fell for you as a person. Yes, your past isn’t an ideal one, but it built you into you. You’ve even come so far from when we first met to today. You’re always growing and learning from your past, and you’re always so inspiring for overcoming what you have. And that bounty wasn’t put out by me, it was by the Raven Queen, and it was before we were able to know about your stolen century.” A soft kiss was placed on Taako’s cheek. “Yes, you aren’t a perfect person. But neither am I. No one is. And I love you, Taako, even with your imperfections and bad habits. I will always cherish you. In this life, and the next.”

Taako didn’t even realize he had started to cry until Kravitz’s thumb stroked his cheek to wipe away a tear. “Grossaroonie, I’m not meaning to get all mushy on ya,” he muttered, laughing awkwardly and glancing away. He sighed and a calloused hand on his cheek brought his attention back to the other.

“It’s okay. As long as you don’t mind me doing this,” Kravitz said, a mischievous glimmer in his eye as his arms wrapped around Taako’s waist, pulling him in close and kissing his neck. Taako leaned into the touch, relaxing with a sigh and closing his eyes. 

A few more kisses were received before Taako started to shriek with laughter as Kravitz tickled him. He fell onto his back and Kravitz pounced to straddle his waist, his actions relentless even as his hands were slapped. The tears that now fell down his cheeks were from laughing too hard. Kravitz finally ceased after Taako near punched him in his gut, putting his hands on either side of his head as he leaned over to kiss his forehead. 

“If… if you weren’t already dead, I’d kill you for that…” Taako huffed, pressing their lips together momentarily before he wiped his eyes with the balls of his hands. He earned a chuckle in reply and another kiss. “Thanks though…”

“Anytime, my dearest. Just trust me when I tell you that I love you so much and I just wish the best for you,” Kravitz whispered against his lips, his fingers combing through Taako’s silky locks. And Taako just nodded silently in response, cupping Kravitz’s face with one hand.

“Can we just not tell the guys or Lup about this mush fest…?” he requested.

Another kiss. “Of course.” One more kiss and Kravitz rolled off of him, laying on his back beside Taako, smiling at him as he reached for his hand. “How about we just order in tonight? We can do whatever you like and just relax for the night. Sound good?”

“Sounds like a plan, bubbeleh,” Taako smiled back, squeezing his hand. 

Times like this made Taako feel like commitment wasn’t too bad. If he could spend the rest of his time with Kravitz like this, he figured it couldn’t be too bad. He did love Kravitz a lot – except when he tickled him. But he couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. He made him feel like he had somewhere to call home, even if that home was Kravitz beside him. Kravitz was committed to making him happy and make him feel a bit more whole than what he was before they met. And if Taako could at least give him some of that in return, this commitment thing might not be too bad.

**Author's Note:**

> Tbh I wrote this fic because I was having a bad day thinking about my past abuser and was thinking about me and my partner and I just needed to put my feelings to words. Thus I projected onto Taako and made this. If you liked it though, consider checking out my other works (I do have a couple other TAZ ones).


End file.
